beautiful canada

having my sister over

feeling at home with people

magical morning...

my dear friends and family,

i am opening this blog with a special request. my family back home in Germany goes through a challenging time at the moment. my aunt is in the hospital after an intense surgery to remove a tumor that was behind her eye. the surgery was last week but she is still in the hospital as the recovery process only slowly unfolds. my aunt has two sons and a caring husband as well as my mother as her sister and my grandparents as her parents. they all worry and pray a lot these days. so lets send our thoughts to them as well as our love. i do believe in healing even over a distance and i am sure she will feel our support. i would love to hug her or hold her hand but i also know i can be a strong and helpful support even from far away. those are moments though were the physical distance becomes as clear to me as ever. anyway, lets keep them in our prayers.

my life has taken a wonderful turn last week. i am not sure if i wrote on my blog that i auditioned for a play way back in September when my sister was still here. i didn't get the role back then because they decided to go with another girl. it was apparently pretty close but for whatever reason - back then i didn't know- they chose her. i got busy with 'that summer' and then more recently with other auditions so that i didn't really forgot but well, i didn't think about that audition and their decision any longer. i have felt in my heart though the whole tome that i would be a perfect match as the characters life and my one has quite a few similarities. well, last week on Tuesday i came home and there was a voice message on the phone from the director of the play that said to please call her back. so i did and as it turned out the girl they chose has some personal problems that she has to take care of and so the director offered the role again to me. and i said YES!!!!! and then i found out that the only reason why they didn't take me in the first place was that they were worried about my slight accent that is still noticeable when i am not sure how to pronounce a word or when i am nervous.

so i am now playing Carolyn in 'having hope at home' by David Craig, a Canadian. it is a comedy with heart i would say. Carolyn is 9 months pregnant and hasn't see her parents in 3 years (seems kinda familiar doesn't it...i mean, the parents part..:)). the play takes place on a winter evening when Carolyn expects her parents over for dinner. just before they arrive her labour starts. she is determent to have this dinner anyway and so prove her parents that she can do something without canceling. anyway, Carolyn and her french-canadian fiance Michel planned to have a home birth with a midwife. Caro's father though works at city hospital as a doctor for gynaecology so Carolyn needs to hid her labour as she is certain that if he finds out about the home birth he won't talk to her again... so the parents arrive, and soon after that also the midwife, who Michel in is anxiety called to come - against Carolyn's wish. so Carolyn's grandpa who they live with pretends her to be his girlfriend in front of carolyns parents. so the fun begins....

it is a lovely story with real characters and heart. in the end there is a newborn and tears and well, yes happiness. 'hope' has been born.

to prepare myself for the role i have been running around with a belly for the past 2 days. one insight i got was: it is IN THE WAY!!!... i tried to bike my bicycle and had to acknowledge that there is something biking with me. trying to kneel down to pick something up is always fun cause i need to bend in a very funny way in order to not squeeze the 'baby' and get crushed myself. and as Carolyn says in the play: 'i feel like a beached wale'. even though it is not my real belly and there is not a real baby in it (it is not even heavy) i feel big and awkward. the really cool part is though that people are really nice to you. they open the door and are very understanding when you take longer.:)

the play opens in February. if any one happens to be nearby...:)

i talked to a guy yesterday at the cornerstone, my one shift a week is on Mondays. he looks after crows and eagles here at the university of Guelph. we talked about the crow he is working with and that made me want to look up that bird. i mean i have heart a lot about it in fairy tales and such but i never really thought about them. i always found them magical due to their shining blackness, and the sound they make always remembers me of fairy tales and magic. (for those who grew up in Germany there was once a children show on TV with a witch, a speaking suitcase and a crow... the crow always took shining things and hid them...) anyway, my sister bought this really amazing book for me while being in the states. it is called 'animal speak. the spiritual& magical powers of creatures great& small' by Ted Andrews.

so here is what i learned:

he talks about their color black: 'black is the color of creation. it is the womb out of which the new is born. it is also the color of the night. black is the maternal color and this the black night gives birth to a new day.' - interesting, isn't it how our society associates black with darkness, negativeness, fear and badness...

here is something about there way of talking: 'learning to understand the language of crows is something we all can do with practice. although it has no tongue, it does not use the tongue to make the sounds'. how much noise to we create that is not necessary?

crows as 'weather frogs': 'as with many animals, crows also have been known to predict tornadoes, rain and other changes in weather by the way they fly. working with crows can help you to see how the winds are going to blow into your life and how to adjust you own life flights.'

and in general: 'wherever crows are, there is magic. they are symbols of creation and spiritual strength. they remind us to look for opportunities to create and manifest magic in life. they are messengers calling to us about the creation and magic that is alive within our world everyday and available to us.'

i thought that to be rather interesting. especially because i looked it up yesterday night before i went to bed and after my conversation at the cornerstone. and when i had breakfast this morning and i looked out of the window what did i see? a crow payed me a visit. it was carrying some sort of food in her month, maybe cheese maybe bread i don't know. it walked around in the front yard and then flew off. and that happened after i had a very deep and profound meditation where i connected with my family especially with my aunt and her folks in Germany. i send them my love and support and felt really out of it when i got out of the meditation. and there it was. the crow. i love it.

i want to spent this month studying more of that book and learning more about the different medicine every animal can carry for us. it fascinates me. i also want to paint my room and make it more cozy and homey. i like i already but it still doesn't feel like total home to me.

i will also do some more job searching and such cause with the hours i am working right now i probably won't be able to make it much farther then January. i have some more nanny jobs in sight and i hope to hear back from hempire where i had an interview already. i might even go by there today and see how things are. i am sooo excited about my role and finally being able to act in a real production that i have spent most of my time studying my lines and preparing myself for it instead of focusing on these other things.. oh well, i just want to cherish this feeling..

so, yes my dear friends and family i feel really happy at the moment. i feel blessed to be healthy and strong and enabled to live my life the way i do. i also feel so blessed lately for my time in Costa Rica. 'the revolution project' where i stayed for 2 months really opened my heart and soul and spirit and helped me immensely to be the person i am meant to be. to listen to my calling and my heart. every time i am challenged with a situation or a thought, this warm soothing knowledge crawls up my spin into my heart and i remember what i have been taught by Andres and Zahrah and every one who lived there.

i manifest to have more meditation and dance in my life. because although i do yoga in the morning and mediate afterwards for a while it is not as deep and profound as it was back in Costa Rica. and dance?? well, dance just opens one's heart and soul and makes me personally very happy.

so i embrace every one of you wherever you are on your personal journey. feel free to post a comment if you feel like it. i would love to touch base with you that way!

may you have peace in your heart and a smile on your lips.

hakuna matata.

;)

jewels

thursday, 10pm, my world is magical. how is yours?

hello dear friends and family,

as i probably mentioned in my last blog (maybe i should read the blogs already written before i write another one...oh well...) i auditioned for an agathe christe play on sunday. i felt afterwards as i left the building i could have done better, could have shown them more variety, more emotions etc. i wasn't very pleased with myself. and as i was walking home yesterday night after i attended a musical called tommy (weird story...weird musical...mhmm) all caught up in the typiucal emotions i feel after seeing and being in a theater and been captured in the theater world by an impressing play, i felt very sad (as always when i am in the audience) that I wasn't on stage. that i wasn't part of that production. and my thoughts went back to the audition and i felt really sad and frustrated and angry too that they haven't called back yet and that it is in the hand of OTHERS to decide whether or not i will be on stage soon. then at one point of my walk home i stopped in the middle of my movement and i spoke out loud: 'alright universe, you got me here. i am guilty as susie's hand in the candy jar. i am trying to be the decision maker in my life, i am the one thinking i know what is right for me and where i need to go in order to be happy. well, shitty shit i have NO clue. and i give it up. i leave it up to YOU. i surrender. here take it. i trust you. i know there is a perfect role for me out there. and things will simply fall into place if they are right. i trust you.' i didn't feel that much better afterwards but i could feel a slight burden was taken from me. and i smiled.

well, what can i say, when i got home i saw that steve had left a note on the steps. it said: vision theater called. they want you back for callbacks.

shubdidu.

there it was. blue on white. well i went back there tonight and acted my a** out!!! i died and cried and screamed. i am an actress. cheese, i really am. so now i am all blushed and hot and full of vibrant theatrical energy. I LOVE IT. i can't even describe how much i love it. how much it moves me and how deep it goes. i feel so blessed that i can do this. that i am in this country, in this beautiful body, having such beautiful people around me, here and in germany who support me and believe in me. and most important of all: that i believe in ME. no matter what happens after tonight i feel so grateful for these couple hours that i was able to play again..

the auditions for the shakespearian play are coming up this weekend and i want to go out there and shake that stage, just for the sake of my love to that language and that wonderful man who wrote these amazing plays. just for the fun and joy i get from being on stage and performing.

they will call me probably tomorrow about the agathe christie play and tell me their decision. i will have to figure out what to do when i get the role. i definitely want to do the shakespeare one but i am not sure if i can do both. and i won't know about the shakespeare one until monday probably.. oh well, here again, universe i leave it up to you... guide me.

love to you all. i am very happy at this moment. may my happiness and joy inspire you and lift you up wherever you are in your life right now!!!

namaste,

jewels

just a quick note...

hello dear family and friends,

just a short notice that i am still alive and feeling better. yes, the flu or whatever it was that i had is mostly gone. i still have a little cough that just doesn't want to leave but besides that i am feeling fine.

my life here is in a transition. i decided while i was sick that i am NOT happy with only dishwashing as my occupation so i talked to my boss and now i am only working once a week just for the 'fun' of it and to stay in touch with all the wonderful people who work there. so now i am looking for something else to do that i enjoy and at the same time enables me to eat and drink and go to the theater.

oh yes, theater. i am back. one hundred procent. with all its passion and love. we just finished our show in fergus where i was the asm (assistant stage manager). so i was wearing a fancy headset etc. it was fun. and while i was sitting behind the curtain, watching my fellow actors and actresses, waiting for my next cue i felt this deep, profound yearning to be back on stage. at times i caught myself sitting or standing or walking on set and just smiling and thinking 'that is where i want to be. right here. right now.' i can't compare it to anything else in my life where i feel such a passion and sehnsucht (yeah, here only the german word can come close to what i feel..). and where i don't mind to spent hours preparing, thinking, figuring out etc.

so last sunday i auditioned again for a play. i did it before a couple weeks ago and didn't get the role which was sad. now i am kinda happy cause i don't really like the play anyway...:) the one last sunday was for a play of agathe christie. she writes all the mystery books and is quite famous for it. it went ok although afterwards i felt like i could have done more, been better. but oh well. now the next one is this upcoming weekend and it is for a shakespeare play. much ado about nothing. we have to prepare a monologue to audition and i already have two memorized, shakespeare ones. i am quite excited. such a beautiful language.

anyway, keep me in your prayers and thoughts. i am sending it out to the universe, if it is meant to happen i will get a part. although with this topic it is quite hard to let go for me. cause i sooo much would like to have it. but i know there is a part somewhere along my way. i manifested it. so now i just need to audition and wait.

love you all lots. hope you too have a passion in your life that makes you happy and feel like you want to jump up and down because it is just sooo good and feels sooo amazing.

jewels

oh well...

hi dear friends and family,

well, so much hasn't changed since the last entry. you find me again bundled up and this time coughing and sweating at home. i feel really sick and it seems like it is not getting better. i left work early yesterday cause i just couldn't make it through. luckily i have understanding and caring people who send me home after the biggest rush had left. so now i am drinking orange juice by the liter and try to sleep as much as i can...

watched a very lovely movie. last chance harvey...could see myself in the movie...somewhat saddening and encouraging at the same time..

love you all,

cough, cough,

jewels