AuditionBliss

I am so full

Of life

Right

Now

I can feel it pulsing through my veins

Up and down

And all around

In my body –

Oh theater

You are such a pleasure

To me

you lift me up

and carry me away

you transform me

into anything I

possibly

can be-

come.

You make me smile

And dance, and laugh out loud

Randomly

Making people stop on the street

And wonder what happened to that beaming

Creature….

What happened?

You happened.

The space

So full of magic

Ignites something

Deep in me.

The moment when I speak

in front of

people

who are giving me their full

Attention

And interest.

The air still

Until

I break

It

with words

Spoken by me

But coming from

Beyond

From the hemisphere

Of Language

So beautiful.

I would love

To liquefy it

And take a big sip

I think it would taste

Deliciously sweet

And refreshing.

Dripping speeches

Full of emotions

Feelings

Love

Hate

Anger

Fear

Joy

Despair

Anxiety

You encompass it all

You wrap it up

Into spoken shapes

Of beauty.

Thoughts

Become pictures

Living creatures

Just through you.

Oh theater,

Thou art my deepest desire

My life force.

The excitement

Before

A performance

My heart beating,

My body tingling

My hands shaking

Nowhere else do I feel

As close to being alive as

Then.

The air is filled with anticipation

As I wait alongside with

Other actors.

As my performance time

Comes closer

I close my eyes

And get lost in a whirlpool of

Blood rushing through my head,

My heart beating loud in my ears

The sound of it makes me

smile.

And then my name is called

The door opens

I enter.

I am present

This is it.

4 pairs of eyes are looking

at me

welcoming,

curiously.

I can see their interest

In the way the take in

Me

My body

My presence

Nowhere else do I find myself

Being so

Noticed

and

acknowledged.

I feel their

Anticipation.

I take a breath

Catch my running mind

Cause now I just

am

Whatever these words

I am about to speak

Want me to

Be.

And I start.

Beauty dripping down

From my mouth

In form of words

That roll of

My tongue

Filling out this magical

space

Taking their

place

amongst

All the other

Words which

Have been spoken here

Before.

If they could only reach

The audience’s ears

And ignite something

In their minds or

Bodies

That is all I want.

I already know

about the magic

these phrases are able to create

I leave it up to them now

To do

The same

In these people’s

Hearts.

I finish my lines.

I breathe.

It is spoken.

I can feel their

Presence

Now part of the room’s

Athmosphere

I set them free

Now may they rest

Amongst all the

Others

And delude

The next person

Who may enter

This secret space.

I leave

With a bright and glowing

Smile on my face

The outcome doesn’t

Matter at this point.

Thoughts and doubts

About what I could have done better

Will soon arise

But right now

My steps are light

I feel so alive

And happy

Like after giving birth

To a healthy

Beautiful child.

I just experienced

A miracle

Joy circulating in my body

Making me dizzy

And I feel like

I will overfload

If I don’t share

This

bliss

With people surrounding

Me.

So I do.

Smiles

so big they

Seem to spread from one

Ear to the other -

I give them

freely

To anyone I meet.

Sharing hugs full of

Love and life and joy with anyone

Who crosses my way

And cares to embrace

me.

Oh theater

Oh life

Thank you.

My heart beats

Every beat

Sings of gratitude

Fulfillment

Sunshine

Awesomeness.

Here I am

Jewels.

auditions!!

hi dear family and friends,

another audition tomorrow... ui, i am excited.

zombie

music
loud
fast
filling out the room
my head
making my fingers type even
faster
hmmm
happiness
if i wanted to describe it
to someone else
this is it.
rainy day
warm sweater
music
so sweet and beautiful
food nearby
nowhere to be
but here
breathing in and out
in
and
out
this is the rhythm
of life
filling me out
making me burst with
joy
so that i need to get up
and
dance.
thank you.
blessings everywhere i
look.
gratitude
in everything i
do.
carpe diem.
nutze jeden tag.

winter in canada

theater, thou art my happiness!

the whole cast: from left to right:

my grandfather russell (john), the midwife dawn (jill), carolyn (me), my fiance michel (shayne), my mother jane (chris) and my father bill (john)

the cast: carolyn (me), my mother jane (chris) and my midwife dawn (jill)

getting ready for our last show

before show

hello dear family and friends,

just wanted to share my excitement that i feel right now 2 1/2 hours before our show tonight.

may you feel as alive as i do right now.

and may you have people to share it with!

love and peace to all of you

jewels

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine

hello dear family and dear friends,

it has been a while since i wrote something here. and so much has happened in the meanwhile.

right now i am sitting on our couch in the living room, soft music is playing, bluegrass to be exact which takes me on a mental journey back to the states to virginia, to the blue ridge mountains, to heidi and her beautiful farm, to the homey and comfy feeling i had living in that beautiful state. the mentality and easy-going-ness of its people - i see it all, feel it all again and i smile. soft light spreads its warmness in the room, my housemate steve is baking, i can hear dishes being moved and the sweet fragrance of apples in the oven will soon fill out the whole house as he is making an apple crisp. through the window across from me i can see snow slowly falling to the ground, lulling us into a state of comfort and sleepiness. nowhere to go but here.

i have been busy with my first big role in a real theater production. we opened last friday and had shows on saturday as well as sunday. it was soo much fun. we had a wonderful audience on all three nights. the week before our opening night we were in the theater every night for 7 days, rehearsing and rehearsing and rehearsing all over. it was exhausting. by wednesday i was feeling rather tired and not really excited about our opening in two days. i felt sick and worn out. so many things had yet to be taken care of, so many things were not going right. but then wednesday we had our dress rehearsal - the final rehearsal - and it went great. i felt so happy and exhilarated and excited. on Thursday morning though i felt rather sick to my stomach. one of our actors felt very bad on wednesday and told us he had been throwing up all night. so from thursday afternoon till friday morning i was in bed feeling really sick and i was throwing up all night. nothing stayed in my body not even tea. luckily, our director decided not to rehearse on thursday night so i was able to take care of myself and stay in bed for the the whole day. by friday morning i felt better, didn't throw up anymore but felt rather weak. i hadn't eaten anything for the last 12 hours so i was very shaky on my legs. i was determined to make it for opening night though. i called my stage manager and gave him a heads-up and he said-very dry: 'well, as long as you are not dead, there is really no excuse not to be on stage'. well, thank you.:)

that really made me think about what professional actors do. for them there is really no choice i guess. anyway, i had some homemade mashed potatoes and then steve drove me to fergus. when i arrived i found out that 2 other actors had the same thing feeling all sick to their stomachs and dizzy and weak. so there we were a cast of 6 actors with 3 being very pale and groaning at different times.:)

now when i look back at it it's rather funny. back then, i didn't dare to laugh cause i was too scared i might throw up right there and then. but we made it through the show without any hassle, everyone being very professional and focused. a couple times during the show though i felt like i am going to faint... after the show i went home and pretty much straight to bed.

the cool thing about it was that i wasn't nervous about my performance i was more concerned about staying focused and breathing deep trying not to faint or throw up.

also, when i was leaning over our toilet seat at 2:13am in the morning, again releasing whatever was still in my body, i thought to myself how blessed i am to be sick and to know that i will be alright very soon in the future. i thought about all the people who have this kind of pain every day and who are feeling sick every single second of every day not knowing when they might feel better. that thought helped me get through the night although i felt rather lost and helpless, tired and desperate at other times during that long night. but now that my body has come back to normal and is asking for food again i feel so healthy, cleaned and blessed. i am amazed about this body that keeps carrying my soul every day, that gets up every morning and lets' me live this life i am living right now. a body that is strong, that knows exactly what to do when it gets sick and that comes out of sickness that much stronger and even more beautiful.

i feel very blessed.

and i am very excited right now that i am living this life that i am living. i am so happy to be in that play, to be on stage, to work and learn from other actors and directors. and most of all to create a show that the audience enjoys. a show that makes them cry and smile and laugh and leave the theater feeling good and happy. that is the biggest gift ever. and we do get a lot of laughs and tears.

so i am extending this deep profound happiness and love that i feel for myself and my life and life in general to you who is reading this right now!

may you feel touched by laughter today!

may someone open her arms and embrace you!

may you feel that we are all one.

jewels