thursday, 10pm, my world is magical. how is yours?

hello dear friends and family,

as i probably mentioned in my last blog (maybe i should read the blogs already written before i write another one...oh well...) i auditioned for an agathe christe play on sunday. i felt afterwards as i left the building i could have done better, could have shown them more variety, more emotions etc. i wasn't very pleased with myself. and as i was walking home yesterday night after i attended a musical called tommy (weird story...weird musical...mhmm) all caught up in the typiucal emotions i feel after seeing and being in a theater and been captured in the theater world by an impressing play, i felt very sad (as always when i am in the audience) that I wasn't on stage. that i wasn't part of that production. and my thoughts went back to the audition and i felt really sad and frustrated and angry too that they haven't called back yet and that it is in the hand of OTHERS to decide whether or not i will be on stage soon. then at one point of my walk home i stopped in the middle of my movement and i spoke out loud: 'alright universe, you got me here. i am guilty as susie's hand in the candy jar. i am trying to be the decision maker in my life, i am the one thinking i know what is right for me and where i need to go in order to be happy. well, shitty shit i have NO clue. and i give it up. i leave it up to YOU. i surrender. here take it. i trust you. i know there is a perfect role for me out there. and things will simply fall into place if they are right. i trust you.' i didn't feel that much better afterwards but i could feel a slight burden was taken from me. and i smiled.

well, what can i say, when i got home i saw that steve had left a note on the steps. it said: vision theater called. they want you back for callbacks.

shubdidu.

there it was. blue on white. well i went back there tonight and acted my a** out!!! i died and cried and screamed. i am an actress. cheese, i really am. so now i am all blushed and hot and full of vibrant theatrical energy. I LOVE IT. i can't even describe how much i love it. how much it moves me and how deep it goes. i feel so blessed that i can do this. that i am in this country, in this beautiful body, having such beautiful people around me, here and in germany who support me and believe in me. and most important of all: that i believe in ME. no matter what happens after tonight i feel so grateful for these couple hours that i was able to play again..

the auditions for the shakespearian play are coming up this weekend and i want to go out there and shake that stage, just for the sake of my love to that language and that wonderful man who wrote these amazing plays. just for the fun and joy i get from being on stage and performing.

they will call me probably tomorrow about the agathe christie play and tell me their decision. i will have to figure out what to do when i get the role. i definitely want to do the shakespeare one but i am not sure if i can do both. and i won't know about the shakespeare one until monday probably.. oh well, here again, universe i leave it up to you... guide me.

love to you all. i am very happy at this moment. may my happiness and joy inspire you and lift you up wherever you are in your life right now!!!

namaste,

jewels

just a quick note...

hello dear family and friends,

just a short notice that i am still alive and feeling better. yes, the flu or whatever it was that i had is mostly gone. i still have a little cough that just doesn't want to leave but besides that i am feeling fine.

my life here is in a transition. i decided while i was sick that i am NOT happy with only dishwashing as my occupation so i talked to my boss and now i am only working once a week just for the 'fun' of it and to stay in touch with all the wonderful people who work there. so now i am looking for something else to do that i enjoy and at the same time enables me to eat and drink and go to the theater.

oh yes, theater. i am back. one hundred procent. with all its passion and love. we just finished our show in fergus where i was the asm (assistant stage manager). so i was wearing a fancy headset etc. it was fun. and while i was sitting behind the curtain, watching my fellow actors and actresses, waiting for my next cue i felt this deep, profound yearning to be back on stage. at times i caught myself sitting or standing or walking on set and just smiling and thinking 'that is where i want to be. right here. right now.' i can't compare it to anything else in my life where i feel such a passion and sehnsucht (yeah, here only the german word can come close to what i feel..). and where i don't mind to spent hours preparing, thinking, figuring out etc.

so last sunday i auditioned again for a play. i did it before a couple weeks ago and didn't get the role which was sad. now i am kinda happy cause i don't really like the play anyway...:) the one last sunday was for a play of agathe christie. she writes all the mystery books and is quite famous for it. it went ok although afterwards i felt like i could have done more, been better. but oh well. now the next one is this upcoming weekend and it is for a shakespeare play. much ado about nothing. we have to prepare a monologue to audition and i already have two memorized, shakespeare ones. i am quite excited. such a beautiful language.

anyway, keep me in your prayers and thoughts. i am sending it out to the universe, if it is meant to happen i will get a part. although with this topic it is quite hard to let go for me. cause i sooo much would like to have it. but i know there is a part somewhere along my way. i manifested it. so now i just need to audition and wait.

love you all lots. hope you too have a passion in your life that makes you happy and feel like you want to jump up and down because it is just sooo good and feels sooo amazing.

jewels

oh well...

hi dear friends and family,

well, so much hasn't changed since the last entry. you find me again bundled up and this time coughing and sweating at home. i feel really sick and it seems like it is not getting better. i left work early yesterday cause i just couldn't make it through. luckily i have understanding and caring people who send me home after the biggest rush had left. so now i am drinking orange juice by the liter and try to sleep as much as i can...

watched a very lovely movie. last chance harvey...could see myself in the movie...somewhat saddening and encouraging at the same time..

love you all,

cough, cough,

jewels